My Nan was an adamant believer in never saying goodbye; she felt they were too permanent. When I’d end a phone call with her, it would always end the same: bye for now.
At the time I always thought that it was a quirky way of ending a call, but at the same time, I appreciated the sentiment of it. It was not a final goodbye, but a temporary one. There was always another phone call, another chance to talk, and more visits to come.
On the evening of January 1st, I got a phone call from my Mother. My Nan had been taken to hospital and was very ill. The mere thought sent me into near-hysterics, but I knew that I had to calm down and get there. I had to see her.
The thing was, she’d always said ‘bye for now’ and I felt like I needed to be there for her, and if necessary, to say a proper goodbye. This amazing woman raised me, taught me right from wrong and told me all about the importance of choosing one’s friends wisely. She taught me how to iron, and do laundry, and even though I hated it, she made me learn how to vacuum with excellent skill. Really, did you know there’s a way to vacuum wrong, because there sure as heck is!
When I got to the hospital on Sunday morning the doctors had already told my Mom that this was, very sadly, the end for my Nan – her kidneys had failed too seriously, and her health was too fragile to even try dialysis. This wasn’t just a ‘bye for now’ situation anymore, but a ‘goodbye’.
Fighting hysterics, I managed to compose myself enough to sit with her, holding her hand and talking to her endlessly. I knew she could hear me – I knew she knew I was there. When I arrived, she managed to tell me she loved me, and I knew that without doubt that was completely true – she had always given me her complete, unfettered love. I told her that I loved her too. That the last words she ever said were that she loved me will always be so very close to my heart – I appreciate that more than anything. She didn’t say goodbye. She told me she loved me.
When Nan died on the following Monday afternoon, I realized what she had always said was so very true – this wasn’t goodbye. It really is a ‘bye for now’ because I know that though I can’t hear her voice anymore over the phone, and though I can’t visit her when I go to Mississauga, I can speak to her anytime I want. Some day, God willing, this will all seem like a moment in time, these years that I face without her, and I’ll be able to be with her and Papa again, reuniting the first family I ever truly knew.
I will always remember her as the strongest, toughest woman I knew – the woman who did everything to teach me what I needed to know to flourish in life, and the woman who encouraged me to be better than I thought I had any right to be. She set the bar high for me, and though she never made me feel like less for not accomplishing what was anticipated, she always praised me for doing things nobody expected me to.
In the weeks since her passing, I’ve spent time going back and forth through emotions. Some days I feel relatively ‘normal’ until I realize that it’s not quite the same in my life when I can’t call her about my first day of classes of the semester, or about my next visit to Mississauga. Other days I feel so completely empty that I wonder how I’ll ever move forward from this pain, and though I try to reconcile it as life I hate that life also includes death. She has never been far from my thoughts.
This coming Monday will be two weeks since Nan passed away, and so many things remind me of how much I miss her. Today has been one of the harder days – last night I dreamt of her and woke up feeling emptier than I had in the time since she’s gone.
Great people are everywhere, and the one thing that her sudden passing has taught me is to appreciate those people and their presence in your life while you can. Even though this might not have been a final ‘goodbye’ per se, I know it will be a long time before I get to really talk to her again.
I never did say ‘goodbye’ to my Nan – I didn’t know how to, and even if I’d managed the words, they wouldn’t have been true. I’m no more willing to let her leave my life than I am to cut off my own hand. One thing’s for certain: this was definitely a ‘bye for now’ situation. I won’t let go of those memories or of her.
Some day, some how, when all is said and done, I know that we won’t ever have to part this way again. Though I may not be the most religious woman ever, I do believe that humans would never have to endure the trials in this life, if not for a reward in the next.
All I ask is that I am able to be reunited with my loved ones again, and that I won’t every have to say another ‘bye for now’.
