Dinner was one of those things where, because the view was so different from where I've spent most of my life, I spent equal parts awkwardly grasping for things to say, and otherwise trying to figure out the acceptable way to behave. Reasonably upscale restaurants, with 90$ bottles of wine flowing freely, are not the kind of places I've spent much time in as of late. Or ever, for that matter.
My knee-jerk reaction is to be introverted, and to allow the world to happen around me. I find this inherently sad, but very much the way I tend to deal with things. If I force myself to participate, the reaction then becomes something different - a mix of an alcohol-induced bravery and a boisterous extroversion that makes no sense to my logical mind. I do try to avoid that sort of out-going behavior, all too familiar with the knowledge that I tend to regret it fairly soon thereafter, if not immediately.
Tonight, as we sat hunched around the table, our fancy wine and several cocktails spread over the table, I realized several things.
Most impressively, I realized that palm reading is alive and well in upper-middle class society, and based on a novice reading of my palm, not only will I live a long time (too bad!) but I will also have at least one great romance (that fizzles in senior-citizenship) and no children (I could have told you that). I also learned that apparently (according to my palm) I'm more level-headed than creative, and that I am destined to own property (either purchased or inherited). These realizations are sort of what I would have called no-brainers. Being not particularly well-behaved, I have long subscribed to 'only the good die young' - and as such, I have determined a long life to be my punishment for past indiscretions - and the reality of 'relationships' have long been lost on me. It amuses me that this 'palm reading' could be taken seriously at all, considering how completely open to interpretation it is, though I suppose that is what makes it fun.
I also realized that when placed around a table together, women of all ages let loose and have little to no fear as to what they say. Menopause, PMS, breast size, breast texture, and various degrees of mutual admiration all featured as topics of conversation, and it was normal. It really was - we didn't seem to think twice about saying these incredibly personal, incredibly intense things.
And this was, in some small way, a business dinner.
Sometimes I forget that the view I have now - the life I have now - is so vastly different than the life I've lived, that it becomes a crazy, intangible reality. 700$ dinners and posh bottles of wine that I will never again be able to order (without immense anxiety at the expense) are things that are so distant from my view that I don't quite know how to justify them even now, when they're 'free'.
But nothing's free, and somehow even though tonight was fun, I do still feel like there is a little piece of my soul bartered for one more flirtini and a heavenly slice of flourless chocolate cake. Every day that I get further from the girl I used to be, I wonder if I'll be able to go back - if $12 bottles of wine will ever seem acceptable again or if I'm permanently corrupted and destined to yearn for those things well beyond my means.
Tonight felt like a little bit of faking, and a healthy dose of alcohol... I lost count somewhere around seven drinks, and though I'm not drunk, I've had enough to wonder just what I was thinking when I thought I belonged there.
Awww, I know for a fact that you still know how to enjoy the simple things. You can slug back the Coronas with the best of us. At least you could the last time I saw you, which was WAY too long ago.
ReplyDeleteRelax and enjoy the free expensive stuff. You deserve it!
take the freebies! my company doesn't even pay for a xmas party so i always take what i can get when i can get it. Drink eat and be merry while it lasts!
ReplyDeleteLOL, my company is very small - the owner works ten feet from my office - so we're very lucky: posh Christmas parties (we're talking hottest restaurants, five course meals, and lavish gifts) The distributors we work with treat us too - though recently more often than before, and I've been fairly accepting of it but I really do think I might be getting too accustomed to the finer things: today I was in desperate yearning to go to an upscale restaurant I love and enjoy. Economics do not allow such things, lol. I have two dinners out this week, so I will definitely make the most of it while I'm not paying - definitely think you have the right idea - enjoy it while it lasts! :)
ReplyDelete