A Little Bit of Alcohol, a Lot of Introspection

I had a business dinner tonight: the kind where you go out, talk a little bit of shop, and then imbibe multiple bottles of wine and gossip while pretending it's business related?  (I'm sure you know those dinners; they're really all the rage these days - with ample alcohol and a little of necessary business-related propaganda?)  These dinners are entirely justifiable because a) they're on the tab of a multi-billion dollar international distributor and b) we so rarely get them normally that even though they've become 'monthly' events, we still find them to be novel and exciting.  

Dinner was one of those things where, because the view was so different from where I've spent most of my life, I spent equal parts awkwardly grasping for things to say, and otherwise trying to figure out the acceptable way to behave.  Reasonably upscale restaurants, with 90$ bottles of wine flowing freely, are not the kind of places I've spent much time in as of late.  Or ever, for that matter.  

My knee-jerk reaction is to be introverted, and to allow the world to happen around me.  I find this inherently sad, but very much the way I tend to deal with things.  If I force myself to participate, the reaction then becomes something different - a mix of an alcohol-induced bravery and a boisterous extroversion that makes no sense to my logical mind.  I do try to avoid that sort of out-going behavior, all too familiar with the knowledge that I tend to regret it fairly soon thereafter, if not immediately.  

Tonight, as we sat hunched around the table, our fancy wine and several cocktails spread over the table, I realized several things.  

Most impressively, I realized that palm reading is alive and well in upper-middle class society, and based on a novice reading of my palm, not only will I live a long time (too bad!) but I will also have at least one great romance (that fizzles in senior-citizenship) and no children (I could have told you that).  I also learned that apparently (according to my palm) I'm more level-headed than creative, and that I am destined to own property (either purchased or inherited).  These realizations are sort of what I would have called no-brainers.  Being not particularly well-behaved, I have long subscribed to 'only the good die young' - and as such, I have determined a long life to be my punishment for past indiscretions - and the reality of 'relationships' have long been lost on me.  It amuses me that this 'palm reading' could be taken seriously at all, considering how completely open to interpretation it is, though I suppose that is what makes it fun.  

I also realized that when placed around a table together, women of all ages let loose and have little to no fear as to what they say.  Menopause, PMS, breast size, breast texture, and various degrees of mutual admiration all featured as topics of conversation, and it was normal.  It really was - we didn't seem to think twice about saying these incredibly personal, incredibly intense things.  

And this was, in some small way, a business dinner.  

Sometimes I forget that the view I have now - the life I have now - is so vastly different than the life I've lived, that it becomes a crazy, intangible reality.  700$ dinners and posh bottles of wine that I will never again be able to order (without immense anxiety at the expense) are things that are so distant from my view that I don't quite know how to justify them even now, when they're 'free'.  

But nothing's free, and somehow even though tonight was fun, I do still feel like there is a little piece of my soul bartered for one more flirtini and a heavenly slice of flourless chocolate cake.  Every day that I get further from the girl I used to be, I wonder if I'll be able to go back - if $12 bottles of wine will ever seem acceptable again or if I'm permanently corrupted and destined to yearn for those things well beyond my means. 

Tonight felt like a little bit of faking, and a healthy dose of alcohol...  I lost count somewhere around seven drinks, and though I'm not drunk, I've had enough to wonder just what I was thinking when I thought I belonged there.